Psychological Teddy Bears, and my first cassette to Tito

When I was in 6th or 7th grade, my aunt and uncle were crazy about Elvis Presley. They spoke excitedly about seeing him in concert during what had to have been his last years of performing before his death. I questioned how people could be so wrapped up in someone who had become famous in the 50's and 60's.

It wasn't just that they liked his music. They were middle-aged people enthralled by what I saw as an "old guy" (in his 40's) who wasn't producing new music anymore. I felt like they were watching re-runs rather than something new.

By the time I was 22, I  had my answer as to why this happened because I had been a KISS fan for 10 years at that point in time and continued to be one. The  band was less successful, less interesting (as they had taken off their make-up and were performing in rags), and their music was less impressive. In many ways, I didn't even like the band anymore as they seemed to have transitioned from exotic performers in kabuki-style make-up with distinct personas to a generic hard rock band.

As I talked to Tito on my first tape to him, I told him that the band was like a teddy bear to me and to other fans. Jo and I had discussed it and what we realized was that being a KISS fan was so woven into our identity that holding onto our fandom gave us security. We couldn't let go of it because it meant losing a piece of ourselves.

At some point in time, many years later, I realized how having your identity connected to something external to you was a dangerous thing. It opened me up to disillusion and disappointment, but it also sucked the joy out of life to remain psychologically shackled to something just because embracing it was a small comfort due to its familiarity. I let KISS go completely, sold my collection, and moved on.

It wasn't easy and part of me kept wanting to run back to my fandom so that I could find the piece of me that I felt was attached to it. In the long run, the experience of releasing my attachment to something which defined me for the longest time prepared me to let go of other things I once enjoyed, but no longer did. I learned that it was only after walking away that I could find new facets of myself through embracing other interests. It was psychologically like clearing the shelf of old objects which no longer made me happy to make space for new ones.